Have you ever sat down to write something and not certain what was going to surface but feeling an urgency that something needed to be said, heard and understood? I have felt that way since I woke up this morning and it is now evening, so I’ll begin with trying to purge these feelings that want to emerge and who knows maybe it‘ll help another person.
Early this morning, I watched a televangelist whom I have always admired and who delivered a message on ridding yourself of bad habits. Dang, I didn’t think I had that many bad habits but am thinking that I must or I wouldn’t be feeling so creepy and, perhaps, liberation only comes in allowing yourself to lean into somewhat painful thoughts of making changes. I came away from that program asking myself this question: “if you choose to do what is right even if it doesn’t feel right, are you being true to yourself?”
I do believe that it is possible that cabin fever still plays a big role in not being able to feel altogether. I was so looking forward to meeting friends for dinner last evening but because of parking the car on the street during the last snow storm, it was accidentally plowed under by snow trucks and the trucks are still looming as it continues to snow. I have been wishing for a snow fairy to blow it to Vancouver where they still might need it after all this time.
Then later today I got one of those informational forwards from a dear friend ~ you know the usual kind requesting that you divulge a little bit of information about what kind of muffins you like, etc. However, this one was entitled “Let’s Take Stock,” and asked very personal questions about habits such as specifics of devotional time to how much time a day it takes to do grocery shopping, organize your wardrobe and to plan daily meals to that of questions on preference of a daily siesta time, time spent on daily chores and recreation, and on and on and on. Jeepers creepers, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and suspecting that someone somewhere had an idea that I needed this type of personal enlightening.
I only know that in years past I was very disciplined to the point that I regularly fasted and spent time in structured devotion/praying, walked to and from work, and spent hours in a gym. It was partially because I needed most of that discipline in order to stick with a daily grind of working in a challenging career where the thought was often tempting to take a flying leap out of a window from the high-rise tower where I worked ~ of course, I would have jumped in a plastic bag to prevent not making a mess. The thoughts of turning the clock back to that type of discipline or hints of taking high accountability of performance, jerks my chains more than a little. But, then maybe I should return to the person I used to be and how did I lose her?
Then not too long after receiving the “Let’s Take Stock” e-mail, I received the following which I thought balanced out things and got me to laughing:
“CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.’ So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel now.”
Yes, it was definitely the chill-pill that I needed after beginning the day with positive suggestions on renewing my mind, but apparently then having it followed by the take accountability of every minute of my day, was over-kill. I also found myself falling into a guilt trap. I truly cannot explain why.
I hope tomorrow to begin all over again and be very open to possible change. I will do it, I know I can do it. I just don’t think I can, I know I can (smile).
Thank you for listening and if there should be a charge for any counseling, please send the bill to my e-mail address.